Graduation

Apologies for the bad quality, as most of my photos are - the only camera I had was my camera phone, and in anything but daylight it is shocking. These are only photos from the Valedictory Dinner, and it's unlikely that I'll get photos from the Graduation Assembly itself as none of my family brought cameras.

Your host for the night - Smerity

Some of the gentlemen of the evening - Marcus, Luke and James

Two extremely lovely ladies, Ashleigh and Mirelle

Continuing the trend of lovely ladies, Jacqui and Julia

The live entertainment - courtesy of Luke, Ben, Chris and Mike

You know what they do for movie spoilers online - how you have to highlight the text to be able to read it? Well - guess what - I've a surprise for you! Introducing Smerity Spoilers - the innermost trials and tribulations of Smerity's mind. All I shall say is if you read this, it's your fault.

Warning - Genuine and Depressed Smerity

I've graduated.
...and I've been lying for some time about it. The truth is, for whoever's there to read it, no, I was not excited. I played it on for other's sakes - why be the downer if you can smile and keep them feeling cheery - but it was then I started to wonder why I wasn't excited - what could be wrong with me? Unfortunately when my mind works on such a negative level it can do wondrous things - and in this case was no exception. It refined and filtered every single possible bad feeling I had into an unbreakable glob. Yay...

Through these pensive and melancholy thoughts I've come to a few conclusions - none of which I'm likely to fix but they remain conclusions nonetheless.

I need to break down my facade. I pretend to be content for the benefit of others, hiding my true feelings so readily that I'm not sure Smerity has had any true feelings in a long while. I shouldn't need to do that to protect other people - I should be selfish enough to show my genuine feelings to other people regardless of how it makes them feel. I fear it won't happen though - Facade Smerity has been in play too long, and I'm not sure I'd be able to separate the illusion from myself anyhow. Who am I if not the complacent fool?

Stop seeking recognition from others. I was sitting at a table today. No glances fell upon me. It was like I was a specter, invisible. That feeling never disturbed me before, I've known for some time I'm an outsider - gaijin (in the universal sense) if you will - but this time the feeling did disturb me. What had changed? I was deluded enough to think I was now tangible, something more than that specter.
Solution - if you don't have expectations of anyone then you can't be disappointed. If you don't expect them to come and try to cheer you up when you seem down then you don't become further disillusioned when it doesn't happen. If you don't expect someone to be looking for you you don't feel alone when they don't round the corner calling your name. You are the only thing you can control - not others, not the outside world, none of that - so if you're going to do a preemptive strike, you have only one place to attack - yourself.

I wish I didn't care. Honestly, I think that's what it boils down to. It's selfish, it's evil, but it's what I feel. I wish I didn't have these freaking morals slapping me in the face every time I want to do something selfish. I want to do something selfish every once in a while, something with total disregard to anyone but myself. I see others doing it all the time and it's not fair - how can I not have that freedom?

I'm not in a good spot in life unfortunately. A lot of the constants in my life are being reevaluated - friends slipping further and further away or simply turning on me (which is something I've never had before) and this horrific feeling that all those steps I thought I was taking forward may in fact be back.
Oh, and HSC is now looking to be more and more of a disaster - it's the same feeling when you're surfing at the beach, and you feel a wave starting to suck you in, and you know that this wave is a dunker - that it's going to throw you under and you're unlikely to come back up.

On a completely random note tonight was the first night I played guitar by moonlight - sitting down in the middle of the horse paddock and jamming to the stars and the heavens. Jimbo (one of my horses) even got interested and came up to inspect me! I discovered later he had ulterior motives however - he tried eating my guitar ... Such are horses however - no respect for the high arts =]

All for now,
Smerity

Balloonage

Whilst my school has a fairly strict line when it comes to muck-up days, my school also has some insane people. Let me explain I guess...

Although I wasn't for it earlier, Jacqui used her womanly wiles to convince me - and I'm glad she did. For the fairly cheap price of $120 -cough kick cough splutter cough die- (split between three at least) we had in our possession two helium canisters and a few hundred balloons. It was the least destructive way of terrorising the school =]

Accomplices in crime - Miss Hayley and Miss Jacqui

The result of about an hours work (it's actually damn difficult!)

Unfortunately you miss seeing any photos of us delivering the balloons room to room, but trust me when I say it was fun =]

First students to emerge at lunch

When they're happily prancing away you know your job is done =]

The only regret of the day is I got home and realised that I hadn't taken a photo of myself with the balloons, but as far as regrets go that's a joyfully insignificant one =]

Operation Balloonage - success

Also on that note, it was my last day of school ever yesterday - technically we shouldn't have come in today. Knowing that it was my last day I did my last gift run, handing out a handful of things to teachers et cetera. One of particular note was a gift I gave to my favourite math teacher - a great man. His stories alone kept me sane in maths, and he was best known amongst his students for standing out the front whilst the students do work practicing his golf swing, staring into an imaginary green to watch that ball fly further and further away =]

This isn't the final product, just the last photo I have of it

I must say though, it felt good getting down and dirty with art again - it doesn't happen commonly enough.

Finally, on the end of school note, I really need to update my Blogger About section from "Student waging his way through the stress and anxiety that is high school." now...

Bon voyage,
Smerity

Pubbed and Clubbed

Little time however, so I must keep this short. This entire weekend has been a write-off, with myself either in transit to and from the city or in a state of inebriation - no studying was really possible in either state =]

Drunken Adventures
Thanks to Xachro I've had a pleasurable first pubbing and clubbing experience. Xachro has a moral stance against getting drunk himself, but he was kind enough to look after me when drunk. It's seriously not a bad idea - the sober lead the inebriated - and I made a suggestion that he should charge for it, that it could be the equivalent of a drunk taxi service but alas he did not think the same =]

This is an extract of a recount from a conversation with my cousin Kate -
-ramblings-

So before we went out we went to Josh's apartment which overlooks Darling Harbour from six+(?) stories up, where they were doing funky mixes, there came the generic suggestion of "Man, it'd be awesome to fly a paper aeroplane from here"
Thirty minutes later we had half of a packet of A4 paper on the street infront of the apartment - Cat won, and only about three of the dozen plus planes actually flew at all =]
To note, we were not yet drunk at this point... =]
So we began our journey from Josh's house in a happy flurry, prancing along the street from sheer euphoria of being alive, not intoxicated, and we came to our first bar - the name of which escapes me now. Using my ID for the first time ever I gained entry, and it was there we had our first drinks whilst playing pool.
Xachro, being the devious little man he is, kept trying to get me girly drinks - luckily Gareth and the others saved me from such a pink and frilly fate =]
After that we moved onto Equilibrium, a fairly high end bar, where Xachro and Josh's friend Rocko works - and it was there the heavy drinking began. Upon entering Rocko gave us each a free drink coupon, then proceeded to give us a shot of a strange blue-green liquid. Upon closer inspection, it was absinthe, and one even closer inspection, it burns.
I began making a face similar to that you'd make if someone started cleaning your teeth with a jackhammer and asked, in between tears, for water... He gave me a transparent liquid, but alas - it was not water. I'm not sure what it was, but it had further alcohol in it. From that point we went downstairs and played some pool.
Trying still to recover from the earlier liquids I asked the barman for a coke - before I could respond he gave me a coke, but with two shots of vodka... Oh noes... Then Rocko reappeared and he passed me a Smirnoff Ice... -tears- So now double loaded and with a strange light headed sense of floating I called it a night and decided that was enough of the drinking.
The remainder of the night we spent in a club called the Chinese Laundry - it was good, but not $25 good, the entry fee was somewhat extortionate.

-/ramblings-

Smerity has had absinthe and it's effects were not underrated. In many ways it is similar to the Pan Galactic Gargleblaster

I should also note that light levels of drunkedness and paper aeroplanes mix - they mix very well =]

The morning after I went and saw Ava's friend's band play, the kthxbyes - and luckily they live up to their name =]

Guitar
I bought a few books on the way home including a guitar book which lead me to actually understand how to pluck properly, so without further ado -

Smerity's First Guitar Piece
Four layers of sound - the riff, the bass, the melody and chordal accompaniment

School - or future lack of it
This week also represents the last week of school I shall ever have - somewhat depressing! On that note however I had to present up a baby photo so they can embarrass you with it during graduation, so to continue that embarrassment further -

Zomg! I'm eating my hat!

And with that I must go recover,
Sleepy Smerity

The Bubbles of a Llama Lamp

To those in the know Smerity needs bubbles to remain sane for reasons far too lengthy to describe here.

Is it not beautiful?

I shall not harp on about all the amazing qualities of the humble bubble, but instead let Wikipedia do it for me.

Did you know the colour is determined by the thickness of the bubble at that point? No? I weep for you - you've not lived!

The only issue is that recently my bubble solution has been running out, and I'm not entirely sure as to the formula for bubbles. In desperation I was going to ask Ava to send me some of her spare bubble bottles by mail, but that seemed excessive, and for the time being I had a small number of bubbles left from my solution. Luckily, after much hunting, I found them - packs of four. Their purpose is supposedly to make bubbles at weddings - why at weddings I don't know, but I really don't care =]

On top of that, I have acquired an amazing apparatus similar in many ways to the humble bubble, a lava lamp! It has always been on my list of things to get, especially after I knocked plasma balls off of it after one electrocuted me ...

It glows radioactive green to ward off pirates! Arr!

Now not only do I have a lava lamp (a stunning persistent demonstration of fluid dynamics + chaos) but...
I HAVE MORE BUBBLES =]

Smerity is appeased... =]

Notes.py

For those of you on my inner inner circle, and for those on the out, I've finished an upgrade to my notes tracker. These notes are little comments I write, see or hear and feel an intense desire to retain. Although I doubt it'll be really useful for anyone but myself, regardless of the fact that it contains everything from philosophy to the phrase "Naked Lesbian Mud Wrestling", I'll pass the link on to the Internet at large anyway.

Available in three flavours -
Random Note - Last 100 Notes - All Notes (Warning: Large File)

Can you hear Pavlov's bell striking in the distance?

We don't like to admit it, of course we don't. We've got a fair reason not to.

The feeling that we're controlled by anyone but ourselves isn't comforting.

Unfortunately I haven't been able to shake that feeling for some time now. Are my thoughts my own? I used to think so but I can't be sure anymore. After an unfortunate experience involving Krispy Kremes (a long strange story likely more suited to the epic style of Roman poetry than a blog post) I've watched my habits with some alarm.

The consumerist society we live in plays us like fiddles, you may have just never noticed before.

As if from afar I can see my bad habits controlling me. Ask yourself this - when you go to a cinema, do you buy junk food? Yes? Then ask yourself this - did you actually have a desire for that junk food? The actual food itself? Or is it just a habit - a motion you go through every time you go to see that big screen?

Can you hear Pavlov's bell striking in the distance?

Consumerist society has already won. The world is no longer tailored to your actual needs, nor your actual desires, but instead to those that the corporations and the entities favour, to the ones that can help them reach the highest level of profit. The economic policies that society places upon you, from birth, is that of consumption, where we literally reach a point where we equate one's own happiness with material possessions. Such things shouldn't happen - consumerism shouldn't be able to rob us.

The fact that they rob us through a conditioned response rather than forcefully taking from our wallets makes no difference.

Such is the hidden state of society where having been unknowingly subjugated from birth we have never been able to see the elephant in the room. To us the elephant has been there as long as the room itself, and who are you to question where the elephant begins and the wall ends?

Conspicuous consumption
In The Theory of the Leisure Class Thorstein Veblen wrote of something he called conspicuous consumption, a term he used to describe the excessive spending on goods and services that are of no greater purpose than attaining or maintaining social status. One of his examples were the use of silver utensils at meals, even though utensils made of cheaper material worked just as well or, in some cases, better. This has continued in much the same way over a hundred years later, where cars which serve no greater purpose than getting from A to B have become examples of social status and wealth, costing tens of thousands of dollars more than an equivalent counterpart that performs the exact same job. Conspicuous consumption has been crafted by the expectations and assumptions of society rather than the needs or desires of the individuals the society is comprised of.

Consumerist society has an incentive to cheat us.

Consumerist society doesn't want to pass on to you the cost benefits of the latest upgrade in technology - if they can keep you paying the same price as before, they will. You can see this in the telecommunications industry, where the cost to the user of sending an SMS is hundreds of times the actual cost, and the price is retained at that artificial level to boost their profit margins. These same trends will continue, with the benefit stolen from consumers, until there is a massive refactoring of society as a whole.

That's it for my rant tonight, though I do need to make a bit of an addendum about the Internet and Consumerism =]

Humbly refusing the placebos of society,
Smerity

A Sword Short

Social Interaction

Here's a worrying thought that I've been mulling over for some time. It seems like I can only get to know people intimately over instant messenger, not the real world. Statistically at least it looks like that, as if you go through my list of close friends you'll suddenly notice that most of them I rarely (if ever see) see face to face. This lack of human contact may be part of the reason I'm kind of going mad ... ^_^

There's just some part of me that believes that the compulsive desire to loop through IM->Myspace->Email is an action representative of an unhealthy mindset.

Do 'normal people' feel that compulsive need for social interaction on any level, or is it a compulsion created by the social networking technologies available to us today?

I shall need to continue this train of thought later ...

Ever felt lost in the woods?

Muck-Up Photos

After some very late notice from school I've rallied together what resources I have for the Year 12 muck-up photos tomorrow. This mainly consists of a Light Horse uniform for the mere fact that both my parents do reenactment of the Australian Light Horse, so this stuff is literally just lying around the house.

Reference Photo - Australian light horsemen riding waler horses

If I could flesh it out further I'd ride in on Razz, my old horse, carrying the old bugle my father used to own and with rifle in handle and sword lying on my belt. Only issues with those are, in sequential order, Razz, the one horse I trusted with my whole heart, passed on some time ago, my father sold the old bugle, and finally I highly doubt it's legal to ride into a school in possession of either a sword or a 303 rifle - but one can dream no? =]

Your despondent anachronism,
Smerity

Here Endeth HSC Music

HSC Music

HSC Music - the practicals at least - are done. Over. Finished. Forever. Please excuse me whilst I temporarily hyperventilate in relief.

-paid advertisement break-

On how I did I can't be sure of course, but there was nothing horrifically incorrect in the performances or the viva. Just glad to have it over and done with however. The markers were nice enough of course, but just the freak outs that occur, the stress, everything that goes with having to do those sorts of performances, can really get to you. At least if you're not that good of a musician, and in light of true musicians I am glad to admit I'm mediocre. I play music for my own benefit, not for anyone else, and thus I'm glad even with the absence of perfection.

LAN

After the practical examination I sped off home and collected my computers for a LAN party. A short time after attacking my car with a pressurised disinfectant canister I arrived at Marcus' place and with a handful of others gamed the night away. Favourites were WC3 (DotA, MaD Ballz, SOS TD and a game involving melee meat hooks, though the name evades me), Enemy Territory and a handful of others. That lasted until the horrific hours of the morning (I always find it horrific when I look out the window extremely late and find the world outside is awkwardly lit in a pale glow) when I bunkered down to sleep. Note to self - Semaj stole my pillows, please avenge me and my sore neck!

So, the situation now is that I need a recovery from the recovery I was using to recover from HSC Music Practicals. At least it's a peaceful recovery however, one I can happily put up with.

Day After

-babble-
Jump to a day after I began this post (I take an eternity to write these things) and what little recovery I've been doing is yet again in jeopardy. I've entered into that dangerous emotional state where things start becoming a bit numb unfortunately - and usually I'd cure in one of two ways. One, entertainment and/or distraction. I was working towards that, about to go see Ratatouille, but unfortunately the parentals want to come which isn't usually an issue except that one of the parentals has disappeared so we can't go to the early showing and the other parental doesn't wish to go to the late showing. And I can't go by myself as then that'd be slack to the parentals... So we're going tomorrow... Saturday is the one slice of pure heaven in my week - nothing to worry about the day after (being a Sunday) and nothing to rile you up before (like earlier work on a Friday) - it's merely the calm between both storms. So, a movie on Sunday isn't as good as I'll be stressing out over Monday.

If I went past this predicament, with my mind thrown into a state of chaos, then I'd usually go lie down under the stars, watch the wonders of the sky. Surprise - can't do that. Only place I can go lie down is near the horses, and I need to keep my distance from them since the Equine Influenza issue. You see my dilemma?
-babble-

...and here must I remain...
Smerity

I'm under quarantine

Equine Influenza - it may have been sensationalised by the media but it also happens to be an actual issue. An actual issue that happens to be, unfortunately, inextricably tied to me now. Yes, our three horses have EI and we're officially under quarantine. That means no party Smerity - sux2bu.

Progcomp

On a somewhat unrelated note, Smerity was pwned in Progcomp. How badly I shall not say, merely that it's enough to make me feel somewhat inadequate. Such happens however, and life goes on unabated. I just decided that 'hiding' it probably wasn't going to do anything, positive or negative. My theory is that if next to no-one reads this blog but myself, and I lie or obscure the truth within it, I'm effectively lying to myself. All things considered that's generically a horrendous thing.

Birthday

Oh, I'm 18! -distant cheering- Yes, yes, Smerity has come of age. From this point I can drink, vote and marry - whether that list is in order of importance I shall let you decide for yourself. It was somewhat underwhelming however, but underwhelming is not necessarily a bad thing. I did get a few trinkets however, cute little things that are of infinite sentimental value (I'm looking at you Mirelle - your handmade burning fluro birthday card shall forever haunt me!)

HSC Music

Finally, tomorrow is performance day for my HSC Music. I'm playing two pieces, Moonlight in Vermont and Sonata I (piano duet - W.A. Mozart), and finally doing a viva voce on How Nobuo Uematsu manipulates his performing media to support gaming media.

After that final stress test - the final assessment before the HSC - I shall have a three day weekend, all thanks to APEC. It appears that DotA and TD shall take up a fair deal of it, and then, if luck should favour me, I may actually get down to some work and study.

One can always hope no?
Smerity

PS. Chaser's back! For great justice!